My resolve was tested and…
I had a plan and I was sticking to it, but as Jeff Goldblum said ‘Life, uh, finds a way’.
I ordered in some groceries the evening of August 24th. The following day when I went to use the extra-lean ground beef, it smelled terrible and I saw the best before date was the 25th! I then went to make some eggs from that same order and noticed that 4 of them were cracked and a few others were stuck to the package from the leak. I messaged the company through their app and they refunded my money for those 2 items without hassle. Buuuuut… it came as a credit… on their delivery app… FULL OF DELICIOUS MOUTH-WATERING FAST FOOD!!!
My cravings for fast food hadn’t been bad at all in the 2 weeks that I’ve been eating cleaner, but now it was just too easy. The money was just sitting there, burning a hole in my pocket, or more accurately, my app account balance. By ‘girl-math’ it was free money! I don’t claim to have much will power and probably have some impulse control issues, add to that a lack of sleep and the deck was starting to stack against me.
That Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese was calling out to me! The siren’s song of salty deep fried potatoes echoed in my ears and my heart as my tastebuds fantasized about frolicking in a delicious sea of high-fructose Coca-cola.
Now I could have used the refund to buy more groceries, maybe some fruit and veg, chicken breasts or something else unprocessed and healthy, but that’s not fun! That’s not exciting! Plus, I was way ahead on my goals! ‘I’ve been doing so well, I deserve a treat’ I was justifying, reasoning and I can convince myself of almost anything! My resolve had cracked and crumbled.
The food was at my door in less than 15 minutes and devoured in even less time than that. Instant gratification followed by growing physical discomfort and self loathing. I failed.
In the past I would have beat myself up about this, my internal monologue is worse than anything anyone has ever said about me. For years I thought the only way to force a change was to be hard on myself, to shame myself and to talk down to myself. It ‘worked’ in varying degrees I’ve lost 30lbs in the past but I always gained it right back, plus more.
I’m trying this new thing where I try to have grace for myself. Not excusing my actions, not letting myself off the hook and not justifying things. Like I said before, ‘I can convince myself I almost anything’.
Instead, I’m trying to be curious and learn from situations. Looking for cause and effect, influences, triggers, moods and have more situational understanding. I’m working on adjusting the plan as I go, and being adaptable. One of the hardest things for me as a Recovering Perfectionist, is knowing that I won’t be 100% all the time and building that into the plan from the start. I can still be successful, and it will mean just as much to be 75% for the whole way and make it to my goals instead of trying to be 100%, failing and then giving up. The more rigid the box, the easier it is to break. Flexible doesn’t mean soft and 75% is still a passing grade.
So, I’m back at it! A 75 percenter!